What I Don't Want My Team To Know
by ficdirectory
Summary: Part 11 of the Paris series.  Written for Tara621's request for vignettes as a part of amproof's Dollar Drive.


**Hotch**

Today, he wakes up. He swallows. Once. Again. And then again. He tries to get the lump out of his throat. Tries to get to the place where he might no longer care about all he has lost.

But the truth is like a bitter pill. It sticks in his throat and refuses to go down. The truth of himself. His life now. His son. Today, Jack is six years old. Hotch always imagined Haley here today. He does not know the first thing about how to throw a sixth birthday. Jack says he doesn't want one anyway.

So they carry on as if it is any other day.

All through the morning, the taste of failure remains.

**Seaver**

Ashley is overseas. At sea. In a boat. She has no idea what she is doing here. No idea what she hopes to accomplish. She tries to tell herself that her job in the BAU was temporary, and she should have known it would not last. But it doesn't help.

When she is far enough out in the still, quiet water, she opens up the folded piece of paper. She lets the tears run down her cheeks as the words register slowly - like physical blows.

She doesn't breathe. Doesn't even think about what she is reading. She is just glad as hell that none of the team ever found out.

That they never knew that before her father became the person he is. Before he started doing what he was in jail for…well…he started with her.

This is her secret.

**Rossi**

Today, they all have the day off. Vacation suits Rossi fine. He has a lot to think about. To consider. He knows today is Jack's birthday. And sometimes, he finds himself thinking of his own son…

No one knows he has a child and that is the way Rossi wants it. Because as much as Hotch is struggling raising Jack alone, at least he is there when he can be. At least he is trying. Rossi never even gave that much.

It isn't that he is ashamed. It's just that he doesn't think anyone could possibly understand. Not when he, himself, has never been able to. Not in twenty-five years. He can't even blame this on the job. He's been a father longer than he's been doing this.

The truth is, his son is different. The truth is, Rossi knew exactly what he was talking about when they worked the Sparks case last year. When he talked to that boy's aunt about a parent's response to a child with certain kinds of challenges.

Rossi should know. He is the father of a son with autism.

He doesn't know his own son.

**Morgan**

It is impossible to let go of what Morgan knows. Because it eats away at him. It's here every time he closes his eyes. It isn't the secret that Hotch figured out. The one that Gideon knew. The one the team came so close to figuring out. It is something else.

It's that he knows. He can see it on other people. He saw it in Seaver, though he never said a word about it - not to anyone. And he is afraid that, maybe, they can see it on him, too. The fact that when he blew out his knee on the field, it messed him up so completely that he ended up on the street for a while. He had no skills. No pride. So he gave the only thing he had to make money. He gave himself.

Is he ashamed? You're damn right he is. Because there is no excusing what was done to him. He knows now that was not his fault. But what can you say about after his injury. The blame can only land one place, and he has always felt its weight resting squarely on his shoulders.

**Elle**

Sometimes, when Elle gets plastered, she listens to her own heart beating. Sometimes, she prays for it to just stop so she can drop dead. Her life is nothing. But at least this passes the time.

She is glad that no one on the old team knows this side of her. She hopes that Reid knows how to keep his mouth shut. He is the only one who keeps in touch. He calls. Sometimes, to talk. And she calls him, whenever she is in trouble and needs someone.

It's not that they are close. They're not. It's just that she knows Reid will come.

The same can't be said for anyone else.

**Prentiss**

Today, Emily is wishing to God that she was still in France. Life here is too difficult. Her cat, Sergio, reacts like she is a stranger. What should she expect really? She left him behind to live with Derek for months and now he doesn't remember her.

What would her team say if they knew that sometimes she wished she could have just stayed hidden? That life was lonely in Paris, but it had been beautiful, too.

She didn't paint anymore, and she missed it. At the same time, when she had visited JJ's house recently, and saw some of her own art on the walls, she turned around and walked out. JJ hadn't understood. And though Emily was sure it was just JJ's way of keeping a connection while they were apart, it pissed Emily off.

Because she isn't a painter anymore.

Because she can never go home again.

**Gideon**

Sometimes, in the twilight of the evening, Jason glances up at the sky. Sometimes, he gets completely lost in it. It overwhelms him. He feels like the sky will smother him.

The beauty of it chokes him because beautiful things always do.

He thinks back upon the day, and flips through the photographs he has taken. Elle in her house, systematically destroying herself. Emily, with the black cat that hisses and scratches. Hotch and his little boy and the blatant lack of a birthday party.

He wonders what the rest are hiding.

**JJ**

JJ's least favorite color is white. Because it reminds her of transparence and she hates transparency. It causes her to think back on the worst day of her life. And while her team knows some of it - while Hotch knows some of it - he doesn't know everything. Even her parents don't know everything.

They never have. JJ has never told.

How she walked in the room before her parents got home. How she saw her sister hanging, and backed out of the room, closing the door. How she put it all so far away that she could cope. How she pretended she had seen nothing.

This is her secret. This is what she carries.

This is why, tonight, she cannot sleep.

**Reid**Spencer appreciates things differently now. Where he used to feel lonely if no one spoke to him, now he is grateful for the silence. Because silence, to him, could only mean one thing:

Acquiescence.

He looks at what is in front of him - the gesture from Elle that means more than silence. Contemplates for a split second, before deciding.

This is one way to deal with his headaches.

**Garcia**

Garcia can't explain why but she is awake. She is worried about her friends. She can feel that things aren't okay.

Secrets hang in the air like ghosts. They make her heart feel frozen in her chest with fear.

When she can't stand it anymore, she gets out of bed. She kneels beside it. She prays. Not with words but with every ounce of everything she is feeling inside.

Her faith is her own.

She closes her eyes.


End file.
